Gatekeeping in BDSM: How It Happens, Why It Hurts, and How We Build Better Communities

by admin BDSM Articles

BDSM communities are built on consent, education, personal empowerment, and mutual respect. Yet even in spaces meant to be open and affirming, gatekeeping sometimes appears.
Gatekeeping—when individuals or groups attempt to control who is “allowed” to participate, how they must participate, or what “real” kink looks like—can quietly undermine the very foundations that BDSM depends on.

This article explores what gatekeeping is, why it happens, the harm it causes, and how we can collectively create more inclusive, safer kink communities.

What Is Gatekeeping?

Gatekeeping in BDSM occurs when someone claims the authority to decide:

  • What “real” BDSM is or isn’t
  • Who counts as a “real Dom,” “real sub,” or “real kinkster”
  • Which practices are valid or respectable
  • How someone must look, act, or identify to belong
  • Whether someone’s experience, skill level, or dynamic is legitimate

It often sounds like:

  • “You can’t be a real Dominant unless…”
  • “If you don’t like pain, you’re not actually kinky.”
  • “That’s not real Shibari.”
  • “Switches don’t exist.”
  • “You can’t be a sub if you’re confident/aggressive/independent.”
  • “Only lifestyle 24/7 dynamics count.”

While sometimes unintentional, gatekeeping creates a rigid hierarchy where a select few claim superiority over others.

Why Does Gatekeeping Happen?

1. Ego and Status

Some people tie their identity and self-worth to being an “expert,” “veteran,” or “authority.”
Controlling information or access can feel like maintaining power.

2. Fear of Dilution

Long-time practitioners may worry that newcomers will “water down” traditions, misunderstand safety principles, or misuse terminology.
Fear turns into defensiveness, and defensiveness becomes gatekeeping.

3. Misunderstood Safety Concerns

There is a legitimate need for education and risk-awareness—but sometimes this turns into policing or shaming instead of teaching.

4. Trauma or Bad Past Experiences

Some people who were harmed in the past try to “protect” others by setting rigid rules, believing that the way they learned is the only safe way.

5. Cultural Elitism

This is common in:

  • Shibari vs. Western rope debates
  • Leather traditions
  • Protocol-heavy D/s systems
    Elitism can masquerade as “preserving tradition.”

How Gatekeeping Harms the Community

1. It Discourages Newcomers

Many beginners already feel nervous or vulnerable exploring kink. Encountering judgment or exclusion can push them away entirely—sometimes from getting the safety information they need.

2. It Reinforces Toxic Power Dynamics

Dominance in play is consensual.
Dominance in education spaces—imposed without consent—can be abusive.

3. It Silences Diversity

Kink is deeply personal. Gatekeeping punishes:

  • Queer expressions
  • Neurodivergent kink
  • Cultural variance
  • Unconventional dynamics
  • Disabled kinksters
  • Beginners experimenting at their own pace

4. It Creates Unsafe Environments

People rejected by gatekeepers may:

  • Avoid asking questions
  • Hide their inexperience
  • Fear seeking help
    This leads directly to unsafe play.

5. It Undermines Consent Culture

Consent means freedom to choose how you play.
Gatekeeping is the opposite—restriction masked as expertise.

Common Forms of Gatekeeping in BDSM

1. Role Identity Policing

“You’re not a real switch.”
“No man can be a sub.”
“If you’re a brat, you’re not submissive.”

These statements erase lived experiences.

2. Technique or Tradition Policing

“That’s not real rope unless it’s done the Japanese way.”
“You can’t be a rigger unless you learned from X lineage.”

These attitudes ignore global diversity and evolving practices.

3. Experience Shaming

“You’ve only been in the lifestyle for a year? You don’t get it.”
“As a newbie, your opinion doesn’t matter.”

This shuts down learning.

4. Body, Gender, and Sexuality Gatekeeping

“You can’t be a Dom and be soft.”
“You don’t look dominant enough.”
“Submissives should be slim/feminine/obedient.”

These attitudes are oppressive in any context.

5. Relationship Model Policing

“Real BDSM is 24/7.”
“Casual scenes don’t count.”
“Bedroom-only kink is just pretend.”

These ignore the spectrum of valid dynamics.

The Difference Between Gatekeeping and Responsible Education

Not all boundaries are gatekeeping.

Responsible education is:

  • “Here’s the risk profile of that activity.”
  • “Let me show you a safer technique.”
  • “You need negotiation and aftercare basics before trying this.”
  • “Let’s work within your limits.”

Gatekeeping is:

  • “You’re not allowed to do that.”
  • “Only advanced players can do this, so don’t bother.”
  • “You’re doing it wrong because it’s not my way.”
  • “You’re not a real kinkster.”

The difference lies in motivation:
Are you protecting safety or protecting your ego?

How We Combat Gatekeeping

1. Normalize Curiosity

Instead of judging someone’s inexperience, encourage questions. Newcomers keep the community alive.

2. Emphasize “Your Kink is Not My Kink” (YKINMKBYKIOK)

Personal preferences are not universal laws.

3. Use Inclusive Language

Avoid implying that only one “correct” version of BDSM exists.

4. Share Knowledge, Don’t Hoard It

Education makes everyone safer. Hoarding techniques or claiming ownership over traditions does the opposite.

5. Hold Space for Diversity

People practice kink:

  • casually
  • deeply
  • spiritually
  • erotically
  • romantically
  • occasionally
  • neurodivergently
  • queerly
  • aesthetically

All are valid.

6. Question Your Own Biases

We all internalize ideas about what “counts.” Being aware of them prevents accidental gatekeeping.

7. Promote Consent, Not Control

Consent doesn’t just exist in scenes—it must exist in communities too.
No one consents to being judged or controlled by strangers.

A Healthier, More Inclusive Kink Community

BDSM is built on freedom—freedom of expression, identity, desire, and consensual exploration.
Gatekeeping attacks that freedom.
When we replace judgment with curiosity, hierarchy with mentorship, and elitism with empathy, the entire community becomes safer, kinder, and more vibrant.

The truth is simple:

There is no one right way to do BDSM.
There is only the right way for you and your partner—built on consent, communication, and mutual respect.

Discover more from Wickedly Woven

Subscribe to get the latest posts sent to your email.